Hello. This week was rather rough, below the surface. I am realizing just how much bile comes out of everyone's mouth at the office, including my own. Everyone is pitted against each other, and it is only natural. We are all (the BOQ's) coming from the same course, and all trying to get signed off on the same 4's package. And even so, we are told we are not in competition, and nothing matters. Well, of course we are and of course everything matters. All of those taskings that no one knows about until after they are filled are supposed to be PDR/PER building things. Never mind that some of us would want to do them even if they did absolutely nothing to boost our career. My problem is that I don't communicate well in any setting. I have honed my briefing skills such that the squadron briefs are not a problem, but really any other type of brief and I don't come off well at all. It's frustrating, because everything that I want to say is right there in my head, and then when I open my mouth all of these awkward phrases and strange pauses come out. I get the same criticisms every time I brief; your facts were all straight and you knew why everything was happening, but there was no cohesive flow.

There is no cohesive flow because when I open my mouth everything that comes out of it is strained through oatmeal. And then I try to change the subject by making excuses for the smallest mistakes that I have made, things that every briefer does all the time, instead of trying to explain the problems I am actually having (let alone why I have them....we'd be there till the next millennia ). The reason that the squadron briefs go as well as they do is because I don't have to think about anyone criticizing it as it stands, and since I know the weather and the reasons behind what is happening, any questions are easy. So I can basically forget about the audience for the most part and just talk to myself. If I could convince my brain of the same set of circumstances in a one-on -one briefing with one of my Sgts, I would have been signed off months ago.

And so I am left with the same dilemma as far as my briefings go. I know what the problem is but lack the imagination to make the problem at hand go away. Perhaps there is another way to tackle this, but it will have to be discovered another day.