So, back to the electronic diary.  My life has come under much upheaval in the last two months, and I will try to make sense of it here as much as I can.  I cannot find all the words to describe my pain and hurt and sense of betrayal, but I will try.  I have cried A LOT, and I have raged and lost weight and missed sleep and gotten weak.  My whole world collapsed, and although he tried to blame me in some way, I know that I did not cause this disruption in the world flow, and I am finding my feet and becoming stronger.  I am taking black comfort from the fact that this must all end in tears for the two of them, but I don't know how long that will take, or how I will feel when it happens.  As it stands now I will take him back if he comes back, but there will be a lot of heavy discussions before things are even close to being resolved, and he must make many more revelations on his own, without prompting from me if it is to happen.  I don't kid myself that it is likely, but I still have my hope that it will.  I can live by myself, but I am a person who longs for a partner, and who will give it my all.

Dave surprised me on Thursday evening by coming up for the weekend. I was not expecting it at all, and it was a great surprise to me. He wasn't supposed to come up until next weekend, for Jaymie's wedding, but he and Kenny were able to come up for four nights, so it made it worth their while driving. I don't always like surprises, but this was an exception. : )

One week before Jaymie's wedding. I'm a bride's maid (again) and I am finding myself hoping (again) that the wive's tale really is just that. I told her she had to toss the bouquet directly at my head.

Had the Soldier's appreciation dinner yesterday, and then Wo Harmon, Sgt Chevrier, Simon and Tracy came over to visit with Dave and I. I am a bit foggy on the details, but Dave took excellent care of me, and I feel much better today.

Today itself has been quiet. We were going to go to the mall but decided to ditch that plan when Szikora adn Jeff were not able to meet us out for coffee, and so instead stayed in. We played some video games and watched parts of The Stand and True Blood, and ate left-over Chinese food from last night. All in all a good day if a bit quiet. I love spending soft quiet time with Dave, and this was a good day for it, with the sky threatening snow all day which finally started falling a few hours ago. Off for now, I have more than a full day to enjoy with Dave, as he does not go back to Greenwood until Monday morning bright and early.

Hello. Saw the career mangler today, and was told that promotion to Cpl is entirely time-in, but you should have some sort of half-assed plan to get your 5's and leadership courses by that time. Unless you are prego or sick the whole time. He also told me that Greenwood 2011 is entirely do-able, so that is what I am shooting for- tour July'10 and then Greenwood for APS 2011. Sounds OK, and I'll be a Cpl by then too. The tour I am slated for is the typical "girly" overseas sandbox tour made famous by the "experiences may vary" poster, and that is all right by me too. If they told me that the guns were my only option, sure, but I have no extra desire to go outside the wire for the same cash and career prospects that are going to be mine by staying in KAF, so there you go. And the MWO seems to think I will be going. So all the ducks are lining up in a nice tight row.

And the new Gabaldon book is pretty good so far too. Not as much humour so far, but it is there, underneath, and may yet come out. It seems like a good read, and the fact that Arch Bug has already come out of hiding is a good sign for the book in general, even if it is for his wife's funeral.

Hello. This week was rather rough, below the surface. I am realizing just how much bile comes out of everyone's mouth at the office, including my own. Everyone is pitted against each other, and it is only natural. We are all (the BOQ's) coming from the same course, and all trying to get signed off on the same 4's package. And even so, we are told we are not in competition, and nothing matters. Well, of course we are and of course everything matters. All of those taskings that no one knows about until after they are filled are supposed to be PDR/PER building things. Never mind that some of us would want to do them even if they did absolutely nothing to boost our career. My problem is that I don't communicate well in any setting. I have honed my briefing skills such that the squadron briefs are not a problem, but really any other type of brief and I don't come off well at all. It's frustrating, because everything that I want to say is right there in my head, and then when I open my mouth all of these awkward phrases and strange pauses come out. I get the same criticisms every time I brief; your facts were all straight and you knew why everything was happening, but there was no cohesive flow.

There is no cohesive flow because when I open my mouth everything that comes out of it is strained through oatmeal. And then I try to change the subject by making excuses for the smallest mistakes that I have made, things that every briefer does all the time, instead of trying to explain the problems I am actually having (let alone why I have them....we'd be there till the next millennia ). The reason that the squadron briefs go as well as they do is because I don't have to think about anyone criticizing it as it stands, and since I know the weather and the reasons behind what is happening, any questions are easy. So I can basically forget about the audience for the most part and just talk to myself. If I could convince my brain of the same set of circumstances in a one-on -one briefing with one of my Sgts, I would have been signed off months ago.

And so I am left with the same dilemma as far as my briefings go. I know what the problem is but lack the imagination to make the problem at hand go away. Perhaps there is another way to tackle this, but it will have to be discovered another day.

Sunday, 25 October 2009

Well, it's been an uneventful weekend. I've decided to scrap everything on here and start again. I've split with Jeremy (in April), been posted to Gagetown (in April) and become a grandmother (in September). My granddaughter's name is Madison Charlotte Jasper, and she is the cutest thing ever. I've got a few things coming up for me. I am going to be a bridesmaid (third time, oh noes!!!!) for Jaymie from work. That's on December 12 in St Andrews, so I will be spending two nights in the luxury of a hotel, which I haven't experienced in a while. The last time I stayed in a hotel was quite nice, and I hope to have a similarly good experience this time around as well.

So back to my day. I went to church this morning. The service was a good one. I really like Father Weir. The RCIA meetings on Tuesday have been going well too, and I think I have made the right decision in joining the Catholic church. It feels right to me. The congregation seems very welcoming at St. Vincent's as well, and I am finding the sameness of the services to be comforting, which was the main drawback for me previously when considering Catholic or Anglican churches as ones I might want to attend. I got my hoya into its pot finally and had a nice supper. The house seems a bit quiet, but time will cure that temporarily at least.